Fayne's Diary 20

I stared out over the battlefield.   Still dark figures lay sprawled haphazardly.  It looked as if a child had dropped her toy dolls on a dark green and red carpet.  Here and there, figures moved to carry off  dead soldiers.  I recognized Jared's large figure standing still over one body;  something was going on down there.  Later I'd learn, that Jared and the members of the church were moving Jenner's body.  I had dealt in death numerous times before, but I found myself disturbed by the fact that I had talked to this man, earlier in the week and he had been one of the few to take the time to give me straight answers.

I looked out over the dead, and strained my eyes.  I knew this was foolhardy, Chaos was further off across the shadows.   The sense of restlessness that had been pursuing me, caught up again.  I lit up a smoke, and offered one to Mythos.  I let the nicotine calm me.   I enjoyed getting her goat, when she made some dig about smoker's breath.   Things were silent for a while.

"Mythos," I said, my voice hoarse, "What do you call home now?"

She stammered, but told me in a round about way.  I knew if this information became public, I could be in danger.   None of these places, Amber, her old world were home to her.  I agreed, part of this urge to move was a desire to run away from these issues.  Then she implied something, that it didn't matter, because she had Jared.   I turned around and looked at her and very carefully tried not to show my surprise at that statement.     I think she asked me about my feelings, but the crowd arrived and saved me from having to speak.

It was time for action.    Cordelia and myself strongly urged Tevis to take us to Dara's castle.   Now was the time to free Gen.  Dara's forces were in array and she would be thrown off by the death of the emperor, her son, Jacob.  Of course, I had to trade Tevis' bodyguarding duties for Delilah's.  I knew I would pay for that later.   Delilah would not be happy with me. 

The storming of the castle was amazingly easy.  The hardest part of the whole matter, was picking the locks on Genevieve's manacles and try not to retch at the stink.  She was out cold.  I hoisted her over my shoulder and we met up with Luke.  I left her at the doorstep as we liberated, Luke and Tevis from their attackers.  Mythos' little gun numbers are quite handy.

I made the decision as we rode like speed skimmers across the night.  Luke seemed to be oblivious.   I had read a little about the man in the histories, but he really wasn't matching what I'd read.   The rest of us were vigilant enough, but no one was following.

It was time to take a look at this new place. Time to find Chaos and see if that would be where I wanted to go.  Luke started opening the trump connection and I turned the black beast I was riding around.   No plan was in my mind, but a destination.  A destination that was going to be the saving solution.

As I started to ride off, Mythos grabbed the reins.  The beast spooked slightly, but I got it under control.   "Fayne, what do you think you are going to accomplish riding off right now?" she asked quietly as the beasts pranced nervously.  I had been very close to grabbing those reins back, no matter what it took, but her question stopped me.  I tried to explain and babbled something about Chaos.  She narrowed her eyes and looked worried.  She tried to argue me out of it, but I was going to go anyway.    She even told me she would exert whatever pressure she could exert to get Merlin to teach me about Chaos.  I couldn't quite get my mind around the fact, that she seemed to truly care if I went away.  Then she said, "At least go get Delilah before you head off, if you have to go."    I nodded acquiescence and she led the beast back to the trump. 

My mind shut down.  I don't remember the ride back.  I was on ship's auto-pilot as I wrestled with the demons of my life.    Images flashed through my mind, my parents arguing, my father beating me on my 12th birthday breaking my nose and splattering blood down my new outfit, manipulating and charming and cheating countless men and women, enjoying the thrill of a job well planned, but most of all enjoying coming back and telling Delilah.  I picked through the misery and the successes and it always came back to that moment when she sat up on that ship and whispered my name.    She was the thing that centered it all and centered me.  I picked her up at Cordelia's room.

I stormed back towards our rooms, once again covered in filth.  She finally spoke in that slightly sarcastic tone she has, "Fayne, you seem agitated, what's the matter."

I wanted to reply back sarcastically, "Of course, I am psionic girl.  Good guess."  but instead I muttered, "I almost left you to go to Chaos, but I came back."

She was angry, I could tell by the way that her words were stilted at the next phrase, "Because you know I would come and whip your ass if you did that, or was there some other reason?"

We got to the rooms, and I immediately headed before the bathroom.  I shed the clothing as I walked and she carefully behind me.  Picking it up, folding it very carefully and putting it in a oh so neat pile.

I fidgeted with the controls and as she followed behind, I admitted, "It was because I would have missed you?"

She responded with nagging questions, asking exactly why I would have missed her.  I wanted to slap her, but instead I grabbed one of the bath sponges and threw it at her.  It smacked her in the forehead.   She looked at me with death in her eyes and I eyed her just the same.  We were both angry and very very dangerous at the moment.

She walked up and shoved me into the bathtub.  I let her, but grabbed her and pulled her as I fell in.

We sat there, for a moment.  I looked at her, she had water dripping down her face and off her cheek.  Water plastered her clothing to her body, and I briefly thought she was the most beautiful woman   I had ever seen. 

Then she continued asking questions, as she finally got up and walked away, dripping puddles as she walked.  I followed..   "Why was I going to miss her, what did I really mean."  She pushed and I stammered and then I exploded.

"Okay...fuck you...I love you!" I shouted and turned and walked back into the bathroom.  I quietly shut the door and climbed back into the tub.

My hands were shaking because I was so furious, or maybe it was because of fear.

Things were silent for a while and I rubbed my head.   The door opened and I looked up surprised.  "I thought you might need your back scrubbed," she said in a little voice.  I shook my head and ran a hand through the curls falling in my face.  I gestured for her to leave.  She grabbed my hand, and sighed, "Fayne, I love you too".  She leaned over and kissed and I pulled her back in with me, my headache suddenly gone.